One other visitation long distance style was to send my kids a card or a care package instead of visitation. I would buy a movie I would watch it and write some comments about the movie, what I liked about it. If the character reminded me of one of the children or something from my childhood I would put the note insode the movie case and include a microwave popcorn in the envelope.
Sometimes I made a point to send an inexpensive greeting card, the 'I miss you' type, if I was unable to do visitation. Sometimes I would send a book. And sometimes I would add my own words or drawings on the books or add in a picture of me or the kids into the story. Recreating memories that we had inside of a new one that they could hold and look at again was kind of a way of "spending time with them". Another time I sent some dollar store aprons and a kids cookbook.
I usually sent a more meaningful care package on holidays. There was a time that I sent a Valentine box. It ended up arriving 3 weeks late. I mistakingly thought it had been intercepted, but it was just s l o w mail. It all ended well when my kids recieved the package on the ONE day they had been locked out of the house after school. There was their package on the porch, with a treat, a card, a toy, and a lot of Valentine Love, and in a way I was with them during that situation.
Visitation in the mail can be quick and easy, a post card, or a letter with interesting stickers, or a meaningful care package. I tried to keep the cost in line with what I would have spent to take them to a movie or dinner, or even just cook a meal for them at home, I also tried to keep the content alongside those goals as well. Even more than what it meant to them, it kept me in parent mode, sharing my life with my kids no matter how far away they were.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
How could I handle visitation?
When I was first divorced I had some very hard financial decisions to make. That of course had a lot to do with visitation opportunities. Losing custody was such a shock. But I never had considered that handling visitation would be difficult. I had been a full time mom, but with a new set of rules, the logistics of finding a place that would accomodate a min wage earner who had 5 children 44% of the time and child support obligation of 40% of my estimated income was a bit daunting.
After a lot of soul searching I made a very difficult decision. To move back in with my parents. It was a 25 hour drive away. That was very hard to leave my kids and go to a different state. Probably one of the best things I did for my children as a non custodial mom was to pick a day that I would always be there. I decided that day would be mothers day. Even if I would have to travel to the other side of the earth to spend that one day with them. And I learned that money is the smallest part of parental responsibility. It is finite and it can be done 100%. The visitation is the parenting part, the part that takes more creativity, more sacrifice, more patience and more resolve to make it about them. Step into their world. On Mothers Day I would give up the weekend and just have a picnic. I did not ever want my kids to honor another on my day. I chose that day because I could be totally consistent. And be just MOM on that day. Another reason is because it was a little out of my usual schedule of visitation, Mothers day usually falls on the 2nd weekend, where I got the 1st. 3rd and 5th weekends. The picnic was simple and it was fun. And between December when I first moved in with my parents and May, my kids actually moved to Utah where I lived. There is no way I could have expected that, but the choosing one day allowed me to move forward with my life, no matter what.
I eventually also chose another day. Back to School night. I was able to meet each teacher, get email addresses, see the inside of their classrooms and get a list of what they would be doing for that school year, in the evening after work. This became an essetial connection to my kids' world. The school was happy that I joined the PTA and I was able to get on the volunteer list a their school. I tried to go once a month to volunteer at their school. I was able to meet their friends, eat lunch with them, learn the names of the staff and faculty at their school and be a true parent. That was another day that I considered sacred. No matter how far way the kids lived, I would be there for them on Back to School Night.
After a lot of soul searching I made a very difficult decision. To move back in with my parents. It was a 25 hour drive away. That was very hard to leave my kids and go to a different state. Probably one of the best things I did for my children as a non custodial mom was to pick a day that I would always be there. I decided that day would be mothers day. Even if I would have to travel to the other side of the earth to spend that one day with them. And I learned that money is the smallest part of parental responsibility. It is finite and it can be done 100%. The visitation is the parenting part, the part that takes more creativity, more sacrifice, more patience and more resolve to make it about them. Step into their world. On Mothers Day I would give up the weekend and just have a picnic. I did not ever want my kids to honor another on my day. I chose that day because I could be totally consistent. And be just MOM on that day. Another reason is because it was a little out of my usual schedule of visitation, Mothers day usually falls on the 2nd weekend, where I got the 1st. 3rd and 5th weekends. The picnic was simple and it was fun. And between December when I first moved in with my parents and May, my kids actually moved to Utah where I lived. There is no way I could have expected that, but the choosing one day allowed me to move forward with my life, no matter what.
I eventually also chose another day. Back to School night. I was able to meet each teacher, get email addresses, see the inside of their classrooms and get a list of what they would be doing for that school year, in the evening after work. This became an essetial connection to my kids' world. The school was happy that I joined the PTA and I was able to get on the volunteer list a their school. I tried to go once a month to volunteer at their school. I was able to meet their friends, eat lunch with them, learn the names of the staff and faculty at their school and be a true parent. That was another day that I considered sacred. No matter how far way the kids lived, I would be there for them on Back to School Night.
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