In the Court Room

The court room is a peaceful place. Formal language is used. Professional protocols are followed. Words like Honor, Justice, Truth indicate the space that you are in. Do not say anything that cannot be backed up with concrete evidence. In court, if you cannot PROVE it, then don’t say it. The practice of giving testimony is not how you tell your story. The practice of introducing evidence is how you tell your story. Your testimony gives the definition of your evidence, not vice versa. The court will decide based on your behavior (the evidence proves your behavior), not based your story. he said/she said is even not even relevant. It is he did or she did. Your behavior is observed. Your evidence is examined. Do you have medical records, witnesses, a police report that has a piece of your story? Even a small part of the story, a starting place. It is your job to provide evidence, your attorney will not be able to produce it, but may help you find it. Tell your attorney everything and he or she will build your case with the evidence you produce. You are your best character witness. Always display good character. Show that you are the best for your children. You look like the “good guy”. Dress in lighter colors or white (found a beige suit at Ross for about $19) Posture -confident Speech affirmative yes/no Kinda /Maybe doesn’t prove your story and evasive answers will hurt you Use formal speech. Be careful in two pronged type question. When you answer, announce that you will answer first the first part and second the second part. Speak clearly, it is being written down. I really irritated the judge by not knowing this because when I got these tricky questions I just said please repeat the question. Don’t irritate the judge, no matter how irritated you are, don’t let it show. Don’t sass or answer flippantly. It did cost a lot of money to get into the courtroom. The court room is fine dining of communications –FORMAL LANGUAGE is required here. Keep your focus on the end, not all the minutia of the moment, this will eventually be behind you. Remember you will get a court version of justice. Keep that in mind so that you set your expectations accordingly. Be willing to do what the court requires. Be compliant to the court. Learn to separate your version of normal from what a court room is normal…..they’ve seen it all you are not the worst case they have seen, keep their perspective on that, not yours. The event vs. the pattern. Can you prove this? Between court dates improve your chances by doing the things that the court requires you to do. You may think it is unreasonable but the court feels that it is required---take that perspective and your chances are much better. I resolved to be the best non-custodial parent that I could be. It took 5 years to prove it and a whole lot of hard knocks. You have to be what the court defines as a good parent, not your definition. The court will provide the definition for you to live up to. You are under a microscope. Convey the peacefulness that they are looking for. Submit to every Proof that they require, that is how you prove it. If you don’t have evidence they will define for you what evidence you will need to provide. Get everything they ask for and anything you can think of. Better to have more than enough than not enough Remember all of these things when dealing with your attorney. Every day away from your children makes the reentry harder. Stay connected to your motherhood by writing a note to your children every day. IF you are in need to be extra careful, the verbiage of a hallmark card works great. Take a picture of a cute card with your phone. Stay in the parenting game every day. Pay attention while in parenting classes, emulate in a way you can prove that those things are what you are doing. If they teach it in a parenting class, that is what they are looking for. Try to identify what you are doing right and what you need to work on. Better for you to identify it than the court. Have a can do attitude in court. You CAN afford it. YOU do have space for parenting. You have a realistic parenting plan to provide for and protect your children---even if you are getting help to do so that isn’t the point the point is that you CAN DO THIS. OR demonstrate that you are making progress in that direction. It is really up to you, not the court to prove you are a fit parent. It isn’t their job to prove it. You have to grow a legal imagination. Get curious, read, ask questions learn from those who are successfully familiar with the legal system. Court rooms are a place of Truth, Honor, and Justice. Their findings will reflect what they find. Make sure they find your story…..with your evidence. Court time is precious. It is arrogant to waste the court’s time. Be on time. Be prepared. Get there early. They do not understand lack of punctuality. Respect is the language the court expects. No matter what you really think the court needs to see respect from you. Respect for the process, the findings, the verdict. Court orders are very powerful. Prepare for court every minute of every day. Practice formal speech, confident posture, keep emotions in check. Your emotions may be revealed by the evidence you have---your emotions are not evidence however. Formal language substitutions. Your children- not your kids, Employment -not your job Residence - not your place and do not use slang Also in formal language read your court documents and look up the words you don’t know. Use the words you learn and learn the words you don’t know. Do not ever use a word that you don’t know, only once you’ve learned the word you can use it. Do not ever say the courts aren’t fair---it is their job to be fair. It is your job to help them be fair to you. Remember do not ever say anything that you cannot prove. If you can’t prove it with concrete evidence, then leave it alone.

Visitation Via Mail

One other visitation long distance style was to send my kids a card or a care package instead of visitation. I would buy a movie I would watch it and write some comments about the movie, what I liked about it. If the character reminded me of one of the children or something from my childhood I would put the note insode the movie case and include a microwave popcorn in the envelope.
Sometimes I made a point to send an inexpensive greeting card, the 'I miss you' type, if I was unable to do visitation. Sometimes I would send a book. And sometimes I would add my own words or drawings on the books or add in a picture of me or the kids into the story. Recreating memories that we had inside of a new one that they could hold and look at again was kind of a way of "spending time with them". Another time I sent some dollar store aprons and a kids cookbook.
I usually sent a more meaningful care package on holidays. There was a time that I sent a Valentine box. It ended up arriving 3 weeks late. I mistakingly thought it had been intercepted, but it was just s l o w mail. It all ended well when my kids recieved the package on the ONE day they had been locked out of the house after school. There was their package on the porch, with a treat, a card, a toy, and a lot of Valentine Love, and in a way I was with them during that situation.
Visitation in the mail can be quick and easy, a post card, or a letter with interesting stickers, or a meaningful care package. I tried to keep the cost in line with what I would have spent to take them to a movie or dinner, or even just cook a meal for them at home, I also tried to keep the content alongside those goals as well. Even more than what it meant to them, it kept me in parent mode, sharing my life with my kids no matter how far away they were.

How could I handle visitation?

When I was first divorced I had some very hard financial decisions to make. That of course had a lot to do with visitation opportunities. Losing custody was such a shock. But I never had considered that handling visitation would be difficult. I had been a full time mom, but with a new set of rules, the logistics of finding a place that would accomodate a min wage earner who had 5 children 44% of the time and child support obligation of 40% of my estimated income was a bit daunting.
After a lot of soul searching I made a very difficult decision. To move back in with my parents. It was a 25 hour drive away. That was very hard to leave my kids and go to a different state. Probably one of the best things I did for my children as a non custodial mom was to pick a day that I would always be there. I decided that day would be mothers day. Even if I would have to travel to the other side of the earth to spend that one day with them. And I learned that money is the smallest part of parental responsibility. It is finite and it can be done 100%. The visitation is the parenting part, the part that takes more creativity, more sacrifice, more patience and more resolve to make it about them. Step into their world. On Mothers Day I would give up the weekend and just have a picnic. I did not ever want my kids to honor another on my day. I chose that day because I could be totally consistent. And be just MOM on that day. Another reason is because it was a little out of my usual schedule of visitation, Mothers day usually falls on the 2nd weekend, where I got the 1st. 3rd and 5th weekends. The picnic was simple and it was fun. And between December when I first moved in with my parents and May, my kids actually moved to Utah where I lived. There is no way I could have expected that, but the choosing one day allowed me to move forward with my life, no matter what.
I eventually also chose another day. Back to School night. I was able to meet each teacher, get email addresses, see the inside of their classrooms and get a list of what they would be doing for that school year, in the evening after work. This became an essetial connection to my kids' world. The school was happy that I joined the PTA and I was able to get on the volunteer list a their school. I tried to go once a month to volunteer at their school. I was able to meet their friends, eat lunch with them, learn the names of the staff and faculty at their school and be a true parent. That was another day that I considered sacred. No matter how far way the kids lived, I would be there for them on Back to School Night.